So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-

Hospitals, doctors and nurses, oh my!

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 21:17:33 GMT

Well, last night I wasn't feeling so good. I felt wrong and cold and a bunch of other symtoms that I can barely remember now. So my mom asked if I needed to go to the ER and I said I didn't feel like I could make that decision. And I really didn't. I "fell asleep" and smacked my eye on a straw (in a soda) and that "woke me up".

When we go to the ER, they took my blood sugar and it was off their meters! They had to send my blood to the lab to find out how high it was. Turns out, it was in the thousands (it's supposed to be less than 100) and that I had started to drift off into a coma. So they injected me with lots of insulin and hooked me up to saline. This happened by 7pm. By 9 it was 850 and they admitted me.

I haven't been home long. But I am doing much better (obviously) and I figured I better type this up while it's still fresh so I can look back and remember. I wish I had written down all the symptoms that I experienced, but frankly, I didn't give a good god damn about it...lol.

I'm tired but I'm a little afraid to sleep, simply because of how close I came last night...which I feel is kinda silly even though I know it isn't.

Quote of the day:
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. --Helen Keller

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:10:15 GMT

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is an upcoming two-part 2010/2011 fantasy film adapted from the novel of the same name by J. K. Rowling. It is the seventh and final film in the popular Harry Potter film series. Filming began in February 2009.

The film will be split into two separate parts. Part 1 is scheduled for release on November 19, 2010.^[3] Part 2 is scheduled for release on July 15, 2011.^[4] Both parts will be written by Steve Kloves, who wrote all but the fifth film, and directed by David Yates, who directed the previous two films. David Heyman and David Barron are producing both parts.

OMG! 2 parts! Why am I so surprised? It was a freakin long ass book....but still, 2 parts! Wow.

And so the circle of life and death continues on...

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 22:59:29 GMT

My great-aunt Virginia died this morning. I don't really know what to think or how to feel. Maybe because I just don't feel anything...but I suppose that could just be shock. Grams isn't really reacting to the news at all. It's like she isn't aware of it. Dad just has this lost look and mom called my aunt Judy to pass on the news, since Grams isn't really able too. My aunt is just as stunned.

Update!

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:17:22 GMT

Ok, so I had a liver biopsy a week ago, and it still freakin hurts! The crazy part is that they went through my jugular, which has my apheresis catheder in it...so yeah...pain.

Sultan has whip worm, whatever that is and my little dogs may have it too...so fun fun

Was the maid of honor in another wedding. Candice was gorgeous! I wasn't too shabby myself...the best man (Bruce) has a bit of a crush on me...lol

I don't have GVHD in the skin, but sadly enough, still in the liver. My scaladerma is near to gone, just a bit in my thighs left. I fit comfortably in my size 5 pants, a little loose now, woot!

I still have hand tremors (bummer) so this isn't gonna be long, in fact, now that I've listed the main stuff, I'm gonna say toodles!

current quote:
"Be kind to Dragonswans, for thou art gorgeous when naked and taste good with Cool Whip." (Dragonswan by Sherrilyn Kenyon)

stuff about me...currently...

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 07:21:11 GMT

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours. (

*I need another couple of days to finish a chapter. But soon.

All right. Bad news first. I'm gonna have to go to the hospital tomorrow. Appartently an ingrown toenail is an UBER big deal when you have no immune system and it gets infected. Blech.

Good news is (depending on who you ask) is that we got another puppy! Big puppy! We thinks he's a rott/ sheperd mix...about 7 months old, hopefully we'll know more on his medical history by midweek. We got him from one of my brothers "lesser" friends. And the poor thing is seriously malnurished, flinches as the slightest raised voice and is completely terrifies of well, everything. He'll come up to us and rest his head on the couch, and when we realise he's there, we raise our hands to pet him and coax him on the couch and he hits the floor, tail tucked, and ears plastered to his skull. He doesn't bed for food, doesn't know what a chew bone is, hasn't figured out how to play with us. And Zulu is determined to be the alpha, so that's brought on some scrapes between the three. Simba's taking it fairly well. We think Sultan is about 7-8 months...more than six but not quite a year. He's still tripping over his feet. lol

But getting Sultan was a good thing. He's an outdoor potty type dog, where as are other two are paper trained, and since doctor farag wants me walking more, and Sultan needs a potty walk, it works out quite well. On that hand...on the other, I have to other dogs to juggle when I take Sultan out, cuz they are just like kids, one gets to do it, they all Want to do it...lol

And those people that had him before said he was a classic "dumb dog" and I"m wondering if they gave us the wrong dog! There is nothing stupid about this dog. He's super smart. Problem solving smart. But he's oh so sweet. So I asked James why they thought that. The answer: Sultan bumbs and stumbles into walls, doors, counters, chairs, etc. he trips over his own feet! I just laughted and told him that's what puppies do. That Sultan hasn't grown into those paws of his.

Sise wise, Sultan is to Zulu as Zulu is to Simba. So Simba is definately the runt of the group, though he pleases me by not being a totally submissive. He may be nicer to Sultan than Zulu is, but he doesn't want to be on the bottom of the pecking order. We've already had to break up three flights, luckily no damage. These little skrimishes might have ended quicker if my parents hadn't stopped me from jumping in...though I know that's how it's gotta be. With all my past and present health problems going on right now, the last thing I need to do is try to separate them. Though when I fed them earier I smacked the rolling pin on the table (loud enough to get their attentions. Then I made sure hold on to it in case of problems. More to separate them, than smack...it IS a rolling pin after all. But I didn't even need to poke or verbally warn the three of them to be easy, they were all ready doing it.

And they all slept in the same room last night without problems so we're all optimistic about the inter dog relations.

Oh, don't know if I told in my last post or not, but anyway. I'm not allowed to drive, or (once again) go anywhere without an escort (I can close the bathroom door, but no locking) IU says better safe than sorry, especially since they can never figure out what's gonna happen next...cuz I"m breaking all the rules, beating my own path, and it's drving us all mad! Familiy, friends, doctors, nurses, everyone is going crazy because I'm not exhibiting the symptoms for any of my conditions.

On a more positive note...I have shrunk back into my size fives...strange note...I still weight 128...go figure. Expect that the predisone that I"m on is rearraging my body fat, I'm starting to loose the water weight, and with the scaladerma going into "remission" all that hard skin is slowly gentling it'self out.

They are leaving my on the predisone, I"m still taking cholesterol meds (though they say I'm doing better, but not enough) and I'm allergic to Levimir...so they had to get me something else. So now I"m giving myself 2 shots, and 4 finger pricks a day(min) and man do those hurt.!

I don't know if it's the sleeping pills I took 45 mins ago, or if i'm just a glutton for........
But as I sit here, I have only one wish. That the four of us (Crysta, Arwynne, Alimond, and myself) could have one day where we could play like we used too. When we had the power to do anything. The belief that we could right wrongs, rescue the "damsel in distress" save the world and marry their hunky princes. Running around battling demons, back in the days where our biggest concerns were imaginary mosters hunting us down. Life was so much more fun then and a lot less painful!

Lindsey and I got into it, and that's really all you need to know about it. Well that adnd that the ball is in her court. She wanted me to call her, I called her, she tells me again that I have to call her and that she didn't aswer because she was caring for Kalya. Which is completely fine! Baby vs Phone? Ha Baby wins every time. And if not the lets call the kiddie cops. (Not that the last sentence actually applies, just me finishing a thought that you couldn't hear cuz it's in my head kind of thing. I digress, What I wanted to say about those calls is this, I called her and asked her to call me, amoung other things, and she emails me telling me to call her again.

As far as I'm concerned, I did call. It was ignored for an acceptable reason. But curtosey implies a return phone call with an explaination. Not an email.

I hate that she's keeping me from Kayla, but what can I do?

I don't even know.

Well, until the nexrt time I take my sleepers and get online....but I gotta go shove some Novalog (fast acting insulin)
The other one is "normal" and that's Levimir. So we'll see.

But on a funny/crazy/amusing note: my hair is curling almost all the way to my scalp, and all the fat that I keep talking about? It's making it's self comfortable in my chest. The nurses are taking bets on how big they'll get and when. arg. I've asked for 30-40% of the profits and they just laughted. *pouts*

And just so you know, relying on your parents as child, teen, young adult, is far different from the depedency you are forced to expect in such circumstanse. I'm so weak right now, my parents have to cut up my food, my hands shake so hard we're afraid that I'll get myself bad and ERERER

And I can't even open the friggin milk! Which makes my family laugh...cuz it is funny, just frusterating. I'm just glad that I'm still allowed "private" showers, meaning mom in room, or door not locked. I feel like I"m back in the hospital, the way my parents take care of me...at least I can still Shower without needing someone to wash my back...

Quotes of the Day

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

"Don't Quit," Author Unknown

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves "who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson
From her book Return To Love

6 Months

Tue, 12 May 2009 00:24:07 GMT

Today is Emru's 6th month aniversary. He left us November 11th. It's hard to believe that he's been gone so long. And how much can happen in a "mere" 6 months.

-brother got promoted
-sister planned to move out
-sister broke up with fiance for unknown reasons
- me-graft vs host
-me-scleroderma
-me-line in chest, TWICE (they put in the wrong size so they had to take it back out and up in the correct one)
-me-photopheresis (including a variety of problems with that)
-friend had baby (9 lbs, 10 oz, 21 inches, May 8th dob, due date May 3rd, Kayla)
-friend graduating this month
-my cute little dog had his 3rd birthday
-said cute little dog and his partner in crime had their annual vet appt for $380! but they are both healthy
-ran into a very old friend
-met and (hopefully) helped new cancer patients, old cancer patients, and family of said patients

...

ok so that stuff happened within the past 3 months....and those are just a handful...lol.

But I didn't realize that it's already been 6 months since his passing. I'm not sure how I feel about not realizing. It doesn't seem like it's been 6 months, but at the same time, it seems like ages ago. I feel that way about so many things. It's one of the few things that I've learned, growing up, is that life isn't black and white. And how I feel about Emru is one of them. My leukemia is another. There's a list, I'm sure.

Celebrate!!!

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 21:15:45 GMT

Okay. Here's some good news! I now weigh 102.9 pounds! First time in over a year! Woohoo!!! AND I just had a hot bath, I lingered, I soaked, I Enjoyed AND when I got out, I didn't ITCH!!! The first time I've had a bath (where I didn't itch, I mean) since the end of July 2008!!!!

The only downside, I think I look fat...lol. The steroids I'm on placed my weight gain in my cheeks, thighs and stomach. But on the plus side, when I'm taken off the steroids (hopefully next week) my weight is supposed to even itself out. And on a bigger plus side, I'm encouraged to eat whenever I'm hungry. Which is often. The other day, I ate *two* steaks! And I was still hungry!!!! That's *not* counting the baked potatoes (yes plural). I'm eating six meals a day plus "snacks" which could probably count as their own mean (as in bowls of cocoa puffs, kix, or frosted flakes)...And I'm going through a gallon of 2% milk ever two days! By myself!

My liver counts are finially dropping, which is soooo gooood....we've been watching them carefully, for the graft versus host disease, and they were ridiculously high! They are still too high, but they are *half* (literally) of what they were! They are double what they are supposed to be now. Can you imagine?

I actually had a thought, yesterday, about gifts. I was working on some of my house plans (for the Sims 2, I have to downsize all "normal" house plans in order to put them on the game "to scale") and I realised something, I've been playing the Sims, and then the Sims 2 since they came out, I will be playing the Sims 3 when it's finally released, and in all this time, none of my friends have ever bought me anything regarding house plans...though I admit, I've never asked....lol

Then I realised, the same thing applied to my crafting, I crochet, draw, write, paint, color (though I admit to recieving a few coloring books from Amber), bead, sew, do puzzles (crosswords, kriss kross, logic) and I'm always interested in learning a new craft. But when I look at my list, I can't help but wonder why I don't get some of these things as gifts (birthdays and Christmas). Especially when people say they don't know what to get me! So, should I mass email my friends and family a list of my interests? LOL I'm kidding. I'm not going to do that!

arielfloress

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 00:25:09 GMT

I'd love to chat, but you have to turn on your message options first. Or email me, Shalaren@yahoo.com

A Year and A Day!

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 18:00:34 GMT

Today is my year and a day from surviving Leukemia and I'm so happy about it! LOL.

This poem is posted in memory of all those who didn't make it to their year and a day.

I'M FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God has chosen for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I've now found peace at the end of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joys.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Oh yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
Look for the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen your pain with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and peace to thee,
God wanted me now-He set me free

Author: Shannon Lee Moseley.

Orange Ribbon

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 20:39:33 GMT

Leukemia is a cancer that begins in the blood cells, more specifically white blood cells. It belongs to a broad group of diseases, commonly termed as hematological malignancies. Leukemia is classified into different types based on the onset of the disease and the type of white blood cell informed in the malignant transformation. Acute leukemia is a condition in which there is an abnormal growth of white blood cells in a very short time period. Approximately 6-7 new cases of acute leukemia are diagnosed per 100,000 people in a year. Chronic leukemia is the abnormal growth of cancer
cells, over a prolonged period of time. The most commonly observed forms of leukemia include chronic myeloid leukemia, acute myeloid leukemia, acute lymphocytic leukemia and chronic lymphocytic leukemia. Leukemia is generally considered as incurable. The truth however is that in some instances, a complete cure may be achieved (bone marrow transplantation).

www.medindia.net/ribbons/content_display.asp

Apple Trees

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 22:06:33 GMT

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all the
way to the
top of the
tree
-author unknown

Update

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 01:49:17 GMT

I'm in Sacramento California. My Aunt Paula, Uncle Britt, and their three boys are housing us while we visit with my grandmother. She's suffered from liver disease (alcohol abuse) lung cancer (smoking) cardiomyopathy and she's on oxygen. The doctors said they thought she would have 6-9 months more to live, but she's taken a turn for the worst. She probably won't survive another month. She doesn't even recognize that their are people with her now and she cannot form words. She can make sounds but doesn't respond to questions, even simple ones. She also doesn't respond to physical contact either. I kinda thought that she would at least cling to a hand holding hers, like an infant would, subconsciously or something. But she doesn't.

She lives with my Aunt Paula and a hospice doctor or nurse comes twice a week and is on call, should anything happen. It's very strange to see my grandmother being cared for like an infant. And it's even worse to look at her and realize that that could have been me. It's hard for me to be in the same room with her for any length of time because of that. Which makes me feel worse. I didn't think I'd feel that way. And maybe I wouldn't feel it as much if my family didn't keep commenting on the same things.

I've been glad to see my family though. And I especially remember some of the reasons why I'll be glad to go home. You forget the things that irritate you about people when you don't spend a lot of time with them.

My mom's glad she came. She was going to wait a couple of months, but now that she's seen grandma, she's glad she listened to me. Her last alert day was the day we arrived here in California. So we got to see her, and she got to see us. Aunt Paula thinks that she was waiting for us to get here.

Mary Lou Pacheco has made many mistakes in her life, but at the end of it, I guess they don't really matter to the people they were made against. You love whom you love, for better or for worse.

“Know what NOT to do or say to a cancer patient”

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 08:04:10 GMT

Cancer: Here’s how YOU can help ME cope and survive

This is a book I bought awhile back. I was skimming it and found some things I felt were worth posting about. Here’s to start. And every friend and family member I know has done more than three.

“Know what NOT to do or say to a cancer patient”
 Do not tell the survivor stories of those who did not survive, or horror stories about their treatment which ended in their death
 Do not pity them for their diagnosis
 Do not treat them any differently than you did before the diagnosis
 Do not blame them for their disease
 Do not visit and look sad or depressed
 Do not “act” like you are really caring if you really aren’t interested in being there for the survivor
 Do not say “This is God’s will”
 Do not say “I hope I see you again”
 Do not ask every medical detail of the diagnosis o be invasive about asking for information
 Do not ignore the survivor … they feel alone in the world with the diagnosis
 Do not offer information to a survivor when they are not ready to accept or desire the information
 Do not force the survivor to do anything they are not ready to do
 Try not to be negative around the survivor
 Do not say “I know how you feel”
 Do not act like the survivor is dying
 Do not say “Oh it will be okay”
 Don’t act like this is a death sentence
 Do not preach to the survivor about the cause or sures for the cancer
 Don’t ask “Did they get it all”
 Do not talk about all the side effects unless the survivor opens the conversation and wants to discuss them openly
 Do not call others and tell them about the diagnosis without the permission of the survivor
 Do not detach from the survivor – help them with the burden by showing support and love
 Do not make jokes about the impending loss (of body parts)
 Do not say “Well, you probably won’t be here much longer”
 Respect the survivor if they are not in the mood to talk
 Do not say “I did this, or that…” just listen
 Do not pretend this isn’t happening
 Do not say “How long did the doctor give you to live”
 Do not ask “Are you sure the doctor knows what he’s doing”
 Do not say “Well, it’s probably a misdiagnosis”
 Do not say “Is this serious? Are you going to die?”
 Do not minimize the diagnosis
 Do not tell the survivor how to feel, think ot how to act
 Do not say negative things about the survivor’s choice of physicans – just be supportive and encouraging
 Do not say “There must be a reason this is happening
 Do not attack treatment choices made by your loved one
 Do not attack your loved one’s coping mechanisms (using humor, faith, denial, etc.)
 Do not offer false hope
 Do not make generalized offers such as: “Call if you need me” Trust us, they won’t call. Remember that many loved ones don’t want to be a burden, or don’t know how to ask for assistance
 Do not just talk about the cancer and nothing else
 Do not take it personally if you hear the loved one talk about anger, hurt, disappointment, etc. Remember, their feelings are not directed towards you
 Do not deny the reality of cancer
 Do not compare your loved one’s illness to a cat or dog who has cancer or a life-threatening illness
 Do not quote negative statistics or survival times
 Do not try to convert your loved one’s religious beliefs and shove your own religious concepts on them. Listen and be supportive while nurturing your loved one’s spiritual faith.
 Do not stare at the missing breast and not your loved one’s face while talking
 Do not make comments about increases in weight, body puffiness, or wigs

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 17:35:14 GMT

Your rainbow is strongly shaded red.

What is says about you: You are a passionate person. You appreciate energetic people. You get bored easily and want friends who will keep up with you.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Well.

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:51:25 GMT

I'm watching America's Funniest Home Videos.

I've decided that, based off the videos, bad luck is when you pull on a two by four and a house falls down. Good luck is when you pull on a two by four, the house falls down and you get away without a scratch!

And on the little mood tags at the bottom: I wish there was a "highly amused" option cuz amused just doesn't cover mine at the moment!

O.U.C.H.!!!!!!

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 23:09:15 GMT

Well, I just had the liver biopsy done. It was not pleasant. The sedative didn't work, so I was awake through the whole thing. I also cried through the whole thing. I can not stand on my own, or get up on my own. And I can't breathe without pain. I also can't walk without pain. And the doctors said, upon my release, that I was not to be alone at any time, except for the ladies room, and the door has to be unlocked. I can't lift anything either. And I tried to eat a sandwich a little while ago and started throwing up. Which hurt...go fig.

So I'm tired, cranky, hungry and dehydrated. And my head hurts, and I have some kind of thyroid problem, and I still have Graft vs Host Disease. AND I still ITCH!!!!

I am just so tired.

Emru Townsend - I Wish You Stayed

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 05:39:12 GMT

Emru Townsend
Died: Thursday, November 11,2008
10:00 pm
I wish you had stayed.

Friends
Michael Smith & Deborah Smith

Packing up the dreams God's planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong.

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not to long
To live as Friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show.

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause are hearts are big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong.

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
'Cause the welcome will not end
Thought it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not to long
To live as friends.

A Note From Tamu, November 11, 2008 at 10:28 pm

Emru took his last breath just before 10 pm tonight. He died peacefully surrounded by his family.

He taught me how to live. He taught me how you are supposed to die.

Emru's name means RESPECT.

Emru, the person, also means compassion, learning, teaching, sharing, love, integrity, honesty, and inspiration.

He taught a lot of people a lot of things, but he spent 2008 teaching people how to reach out to one another in a whole new way. If you carry some of this forward, it will be a year even better spent.

Thank you for being part of his journey.

Tamu

A Note From Jessica, November 11, 2008 at 11:26 pm

Emru, I wish you my best, wherever you are. I want you to know that you are someone I admire. It has been my greatest honour to have known you, however briefly this was. You are someone that I greatly admire. And knowing that you are no longer with us in body, brings me sadness. I was rooting for you! But knowing that a part of you is in my heart helps, and knowing that I am in yours too. I hope that I helped your rough ride be a little easier.

You were an amazing person, and I believe.

I believe in miracles
And dreams that will come true
I believe in tender moments
And friendships through and through

I believe in stardust
And moonbeams all aglow
I believe there’s magic
More there than we know

I believe in reaching out
And touching from the heart
I believe that if we touch
A gift we can impart

I believe that if you cry
Your tears are not in vain
And when you’re sad and lonely
Others know your pain

I believe that when we laugh
A sparkle starts to shine
And I just know that sparkle will spread
From more hearts than just mine

I believe that hidden
In the quiet of the night
There’s magic moths and gypsies
A fairy and a sprite

I believe that if you dance
The dances of your heart
That a greater happiness will find
A brand new way to start

I believe the gifts you have
Are there for you to share
And when you give from the heart
The whole world knows you care

I believe that if you give
Even just to one
The gift will grow in magnitude
Before the day is done

I believe that comfort comes
From giving part of me
And if I share with others
There’s more for all to see

I believe that love is still
The greatest gift of all
And when it’s given from the heart
Then not one of us will fall

You touched my heart, you touched my life and I believed everything would be ok. God but I wish you stayed.
Jessica Ann Lawson
13 months and counting every painful step

E - He Encouraged others.
M - He Mattered to everyone who knew him.
R - He held my Regard.
U - I give him my Understanding.

How can I get over death?

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 15:51:40 GMT

I found out I had AML (leukemia) in October of 2007. A lot of the people I became friends when I was hospitalized are dead now. And every day, I see more of them in the obituaries. And I'm still going to the hospitals and helping people who just get diagnosed. As hard as it is to say, the living are more important than the dead.

So I think the answer is simple, time. Miss them, love them, let them live in your heart. Know that when they did die, you made their life just a little brighter than it would have been. That they knew they were cared for; that they mattered. Remember them, but live. Live for them, but most importantly, live for yourself. No one who loves you would want you to grieve forever. Maybe for a few days or weeks or so, but not forever. And certainly not to death.

It's hard. It feels impossible. Painful, heartbreaking agony. Your eyes burn with tears, your head is cloudy, and you can't seem to catch your breath. In in the moments you stop thinking about that person, you laugh or smile. Then you hear a song, see a picture, pick up a book, and that person suddenly floods your thoughts and you feel guilty because, even if just for a moment, you forgot. Until one day you look back and remember that person fondly, but without the pain or guilt. Because deep within, you know that you still love them, that they still matter, that they still affect your choices, and that they can still make you smile. That day may be a long day in coming, but it will come. And you will still love that person at the end of your days.

So cry for the ones you've loved and lost. For the strangers who became friends. And cry for the families that get left behind. And cry for the love you have in your heart. Because it is love of those still with you, crying with you, that will give you your reason to go on.

True or False MeMe

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:56:56 GMT

Bold the true statements and leave the false alone. =)

1) I miss somebody right now.
2) I do not watch tv these days.
3) I wear glasses or contact lenses.
4) I love to play video games
5) I have tried marijuana.
6) I have been in a threesome.
7) I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
8) I have changed mentally over the last year.
9) I curse.
10) I am ~~totally~~ smart.
11) I've broken someone's bones.
12) I am paranoid sometimes.
13) I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
14) I need money right now.
15) I love sushi.
16) I talk really, really fast
17) I have long hair.
18) I have lost money in Las Vegas.
19) I have at least one sibling.
20) I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
21) I couldn't survive without Caller ID.
22) I like the way I look
23) I am usually pessimistic.
24) I have a lot of mood swings.
25) I have a hidden talent.
26) I am always hyper.
27) I have a lot of friends.
28) I have pecked someone of the same sex.
29) I enjoy talking on the phone.
30) I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
31) I love to shop.
32) Enjoy window shopping. Especially for antiques.
33) I would rather shop than eat.
34) I don't hate anyone.
35) I am a pretty good dancer.
36) I am completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
37) I have a cell phone.
38) I believe in God.
39) I am an adrenaline junkie.
40) I watch MTV on a daily basis.
42) I have rejected someone before
43) I want to have children in the future.
44) I have changed a diaper before.
45) I have called the cops on a friend before.
46) I am not allergic to anything.
47) I have a lot to learn.
48) I am shy around members of the opposite sex.
49) I have made a move on a friend, significant other or crush in the past.
50) I have tried alcohol before.
51) I own the South Park movie.
52) I would die for my best friend.
53) I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
54) I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
55) I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
56) Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
57) I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
58) I am happy at this moment!
59) I am obsessed with girls/guys.
60) I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
61) I study for tests most of the time.
62) I am comfortable with who I am right now.
63) I have more than just my ears pierced.
64) I walk barefoot wherever I can.
65) I have jumped off a bridge.
66) I love sea turtles monkeys.
67) I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
68) Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
69) I am proficient in a musical instrument.
70) I hate office jobs.
71) I love sci-fi movies.
72) I think water rules.
73) I went to college out of state.
74) I like sausages.
75) I love kisses.
76) I fall for the worst people.
77) I adore bright colors.
78) I can't live without black eyeliner.
80) I usually like covers better than originals.
81) I can pick up things with my toes..
82) I can whistle.
83) I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake's slither.
84) I have ridden/owned a horse. -
85) I still have every journal I've written in.
86) I can stick to a diet.
87) I talk in my sleep.
88) I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
89) I have jazz in my blood.
90) Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
91) I wear a toe ring.
92) I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
93) I am a caffeine junkie.
94) I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
95) I have been to over 15 conventions.
96) I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
97) I am an artist.
98) I only clean my room when necessary.
99) I like a person of the same sex.
100) I love being happy. - =)

Music MeMe

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:48:23 GMT

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes/Windows Media Player/ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal.

1. If someone says, "Is this okay?" You say? Up to My Ears in Tears (Alan Jackson)

2.How would you describe yourself? Here For the Party (Gretchen Wilson)

3.What do you like in a girl/guy? I Do, Cherish You (Sound Alikes)

4.How do you feel today? My Only Love (Sailor Moon)

5.What is your life's purpose? Last Time Lover (Spice Girls)

6.What is your motto? When I'm Gone (3 Doors Down)

7. What do your friends think of you? Codo (Buffy Musical, the series)

8. What do you think of your parents? Please Remember (LeAnn Rimes)

9.What do you think about very often? Top of the World (Lynn Anderson)

10.What is 2 + 2? Fly From the Inside (Shinedown)

11.What do you think of your best friend? Love Gets Me Every Time (Shania Twain)

12.What do you think of the person you like? Lady Marmalade (Mya, Lil Kim And Pink)

13.What is your life story? Uptown Girl (Billy Joel)

14.What do you want to be when you grow up? Once Upon A Dream (Disney's Sleeping Beauty)

15.What do you think of when you see the person you like? Let's Make Love (Faith Hill)

16.What will you dance to at your wedding? I Wish You Well (Josie and the Pussy Cats)

17.What will they play at your funeral? Forever and For Always (Shania Twain)

18.What is your hobby/interest? Princesses On Parade (The Swan Princess)

19.What is your biggest fear? The Point of No Return (The Phantom and the Opera)

20.What is your biggest secret? Stranger Inside (Shinedown)

21.What do you think of your friends? Whenever, Where Ever (Shakira)

22.What will you post this as? Alla Luce del Sole (Josh Groban)

23.What song would you play during your first time having sex? Oogie Boogie's Song (The Nightmare Before Christmas)

This was.....different. I don't know that I liked it.

Ego MeMe

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:28:29 GMT

Rules:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.

Starting time: 3:58
Name: Jessica
Sisters: One, younger
Brothers: One, younger
Shoe size: 5
Height: 5'2

Where do you live: USA
Favourite drinks: Starbucks Hot Chocolate
Favourite breakfast: cheese quiche
Have you ever been on a plane?: Yep
Swam in the ocean: Yep, right before watching the movie Jaws. I haven't been in it since...lol
Fallen asleep at school: Yep, middle school history
Broken someone's heart: Sadly, yes
Fell off your chair: *blush* Yeah...
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Not unless I'm expecting their call and only if it's important.
Saved e-mails: Yeah

What is your room like: Green, leafy
What's right beside you: A bottle of water
What is the last thing you ate: Cottage Cheese

Ever had chicken pox: Yep
Sore throat: Have one right now!
Stitches: Oh yeah, lots
Broken nose: Never!!!! Hahaha

Do you believe in love at first sight: I don't know
Like picnics: Yeah, my favorite was recent, we sat in front of the fireplace with finger foods and sodas and talked about everything.
Who was/were the last person/people you danced with: guy - Leo, girl - probably Amber
Last made you smile: Leo telling me how important I am to him
You last yelled at: My mom

Today did you...
Talk to someone you like: Yes.
Kiss anyone: I'm sick!!! Of course not.
Get sick: I guess I've said that a few times now...
Talk to an ex: No
Miss someone: Yes
Eat: Yes

Best feeling in the world: Laughter
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: Sometimes
What's under your bed: My art, drawings/paintings
Who do you really hate: Hypocrites
What time is it now? 4:06

Random:
Is there a person who is on your mind now: Oh yes
Do you have any siblings: Yeah
Do you want children: Yes
Do you smile often: Always
Do you like your hand-writing: Yes
Are your toe nails painted: Not yet
Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in: I like my bed, can I just move him to mine?
What color shirt are you wearing now?: LOL RED
What were you doing at 7:00 p.m. yesterday: Visiting my grandparents
I can't wait 'til: Halloween!!!!
Are you a friendly person: Yes, sometimes too much so.
Do you have any pets: Yeppers
Where is the person you have feelings for right now?: Working
Did the last person you held hands with mean anything to you now?: Considering how recent it was, yes
Do you sleep with the TV on?: No
What are you doing right now?: Gee I wonder.
Have you ever crawled through a window?: LOL YES, what respectable girl hasn't?
Can you handle the truth?: Yes, I may not like it, but yes
Are you too forgiving?: God yes. I'm working on not being.
Are you closer to your mother or father?: Mom
Who was the last person you cried in front of?: Mom
How many people can you say you've really loved?: My mom, Mike, Lindsey, Laura, Amber, the twins; I don't like letting people get too close to me.
Do you eat healthy?: Yeah
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?: No I don't really like pictures
Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you?: Yes
If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to?: A female
Are you loud or quiet most of the time?: Depends, if I'm around people, loud, if I'm alone then it depends...ok, LOUD Dangit!
Are you confident?: Yes.

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. Probably preparing for Halloween
2. Finding reasons to Not do my homework
3. Running around with friends
4. Dating Aaron Wilhoit
5. Laughing with my friends

5 things on my to-do list today:
1. Take an antibiotic pill that's the size of 4 Tylenol, we measured
2. Talk to Leo
3. Pick up my mom from the airport
4. Play dice
5. Post this (lol)

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. JonaGold Apples
2. Godiva Chocolates
3. Red Lobster's Cheddar Biscuits
4. Red Lobster's Chocolate Cake
5. Olive Gardens Gelato, thank you for introducing me to it Amber

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Visit Ireland, for the hell of it
2. Visit Scotland and find my family there
3. Buy land with horses
4. Can I buy a castle?
5. Make sure my family's financially stable

5 of my bad habits:
1. Fighting with my brother
2. Not drinking enough liquids
3. Letting people get away with treating me badly, because I love them
4. Not being honest about how I feel
5. Distrustful

5 places I have lived in:
1. Lake o' Lanterns
2. An apartment when I was little, don't know what it was called
3. Mallard Green
4. Condo with Amber
5. IU Medical Hospital, ok so I didn't "live" there, but I've spent the better part of a year there, overnight, so I'm counting it

5 jobs I've had:
1. Nanny
2. Kroger
3. Arby's
4. Panera Bread
5. Via Caterering

Time: 4:27
Place you had the most trouble? bad habits.

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 19:57:19 GMT

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
Frank Tibolt

When I read this, I immediately thought of my story, now stories. I keep thinking about what happens next and it's been a few days since I last worked on them. Then I read this quote and when I read the last bit I wrote, I suddenly knew what was going to happen next! I'm just taking a bit of a break.

I have another Bone Marrow Biopsy tomorrow. Blech. Anyone who thinks that cancer is just something to "get over" should bear witness to one of these horrible procedures. My dad can't go, he finds it too hard to watch me scream and cry while they shove the needle in and do nothing. My mom always cries too.

Complete the phrase.

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 19:52:37 GMT

Complete the phrase.

1. Love is...
2. Life is all about...
3. I am...
4. Being insane is...
5. I`ve come to realize that when I laugh...
6. God is...

My Answers
1. Love is worth waiting for.
2. Life is all about the people you love and the love you have for yourself.
3. I am
4. Being insane is a must.
5. I've come to realize that when I laugh I'm laughing with someone.
6. God is a belief that one clings, like Mother Earth, the Goddess, or hope.

A sharing MeMe I will actually do!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 21:46:08 GMT

The game goes like this: Leave a comment and I will choose 7 of your LJ profile interests for you to explain/write about.

I was giving these seven by nfdaughter

animals, art, books, drawing, hiking, sims 2, writing

Sweet!

#1. Animals, who doesn't like animals? Pets, wild, water, all of them! Growing up my favorites were horses and deer. In high school, pets and foxes. After I graduated, we found a baby deer in my grandmother's strawberry patch! And we also found a baby raccoon that we ended up caring for. Now that was an experience! Just like a baby, we had to bottle feed at all hours! You have to have a permit to take in wild animals and you are only supposed to have them for a short time. Luckily my parents have a permit that they get renewed for raccoons. Now though, I'm in for Leo the lion, my birth sign! And I still love all the animals I've listed...And that's not counting dragons, unicorns, Pegasus, etc.

#2. Art, drawing has always been a challenge for me, but I know several people who draw easily. Or it seems easy. I know people who can write well (and I'd like to count myself here too ^_^) Poems, stories, you name it. But the most beautiful art in the world is the art of motherhood. I think there is no greater miracle!

#3. Books...LOL! I practically own a library. My mother and grandmother practically have their own libraries! I definitely come from a Loooonnnnggg line of book lovers! And what isn't there to love? Each story is a new adventure, waiting to sweep you away into the deepest secrets of your heart. Or scare the hell out of you, or make you fall in love. And I find that every story is different. If you asked three people to write the same story lines, no matter how specific, you would still end up with three different stories, each a treasure unto itself.

#4. Drawing, I think I covered this in art...lol. Drawing is a talent that I myself need to work hard to do. I know a few lucky people that draw like a dream.

#5. Hiking. I used to love doing that. Wandering through the woods is so much fun because even when you do it every day, there's aways something different about it. Dangerous hiking involves shopping...lol...or Amber, a cliff, a rock, and a Jessie...or Amber, a cliff, and a sharp object!

#6. The Sims 2. I just bought Apartment Life two nights ago and the stupid game won't run right! Error codes and everything. Turns out, it's the computer I was using. It needed more memory or something. The Sims 3 comes out in '09!!!!!

#7. Writing, I want to be an author. I love writing, and it's hard. I find it easier to write "real-life" stuff and harder to write things like fantasy. So I, of course, want to write fantasy. lol. It happens. But if I have my way, you'll all be reading my work in a couple of years!

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 03:09:33 GMT

I've recently started a journal at caring bridge dot org. It is a site that is dedicated to people going through severe medical problems. My name is Jessica Lawson.

http://caringbridge.org/visit/jessicalawson