Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.  Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.  (

*I need another couple of days to finish a chapter.  But soon.

All right.  Bad news first.  I'm gonna have to go to the hospital tomorrow.  Appartently an ingrown toenail is an UBER big deal when you have no immune system and it gets infected.  Blech.

Good news is (depending on who you ask) is that we got another puppy!  Big puppy!  We thinks he's a rott/ sheperd mix...about 7 months old, hopefully we'll know more on his medical history by midweek.  We got him from one of my brothers "lesser" friends.  And the poor thing is seriously malnurished, flinches as the slightest raised voice and is completely terrifies of well, everything.  He'll come up to us and rest his head on the couch, and when we realise he's there, we raise our hands to pet him and coax him on the couch and he hits the floor, tail tucked, and ears plastered to his skull.  He doesn't bed for food, doesn't know what a chew bone is, hasn't figured out how to play with us.  And Zulu is determined to be the alpha, so that's brought on some scrapes between the three.  Simba's taking it fairly well.  We think Sultan is about 7-8 months...more than six but not quite a year.  He's still tripping over his feet.  lol

But getting Sultan was a good thing.  He's an outdoor potty type dog, where as are other two are paper trained,  and since doctor farag wants me walking more, and Sultan needs a potty walk, it works out quite well.  On  that hand...on the other, I have to other dogs to juggle when I take Sultan out, cuz they are just like kids, one gets to do it, they all Want to do it...lol 

And those people that had him before said he was a classic "dumb dog" and I"m wondering if they gave us the wrong dog!  There is nothing stupid about this dog.  He's super smart.  Problem solving smart.  But he's oh so sweet.  So I asked James why they thought that.  The answer: Sultan bumbs and stumbles into walls, doors, counters, chairs, etc.  he trips over his own feet!  I just laughted and told him that's what puppies do.  That Sultan hasn't grown into those paws of his.


Sise wise, Sultan is to Zulu as Zulu is to Simba.  So Simba is definately the runt of the group, though he pleases me by not being a totally submissive.  He may be nicer to Sultan than Zulu is, but he doesn't want to be on the bottom of the pecking order.  We've already had to break up three flights, luckily no damage.  These little skrimishes might have ended quicker if my parents hadn't stopped me from jumping in...though I know that's how it's gotta be.  With all my past and present health problems going on right now, the last thing I need to do is try to separate them.  Though when I fed them earier I smacked the rolling pin on the table (loud enough to get their attentions.  Then I made sure hold on to it in case of problems.  More to separate them, than smack...it IS a rolling pin after all.  But I didn't even need to poke or verbally warn the three of them to be easy, they were all ready doing it.

And they all slept in the same room last night without problems so we're all optimistic about the inter dog relations.


Oh, don't know if I told in my last post or not, but anyway.  I'm not allowed to drive, or (once again) go anywhere without an escort (I can close the bathroom door, but no locking)  IU says better safe than sorry, especially since they can never figure out what's gonna happen next...cuz I"m breaking all the rules, beating my own path, and it's drving us all mad!  Familiy, friends, doctors, nurses, everyone is going crazy because I'm not exhibiting the symptoms for any of my conditions.


On a more positive note...I have shrunk back into my size fives...strange note...I still weight 128...go figure.  Expect that the predisone that I"m on is rearraging my body fat, I'm starting to loose the water weight, and with the scaladerma going into "remission" all that hard skin is slowly gentling it'self out.

They are leaving my on the predisone, I"m still taking cholesterol meds (though they say I'm doing better, but not enough) and I'm allergic to Levimir...so they had to get me something else.  So now I"m giving myself 2 shots, and 4 finger pricks a day(min) and man do those hurt.!

I don't know if it's the sleeping pills I took 45 mins ago, or if i'm just a glutton for........
But as I sit here, I have only one wish.  That the four of us (Crysta, Arwynne, Alimond, and myself) could have one day where we could play like we used too.  When we had the power to do anything.  The belief that we could right wrongs, rescue the "damsel in distress" save the world and marry their hunky princes.  Running around battling demons, back in the days where our biggest concerns were imaginary mosters hunting us down.  Life was so much more fun then and a lot less painful! 

Lindsey and I got into it, and that's really all you need to know about it.  Well that adnd that the ball is in her court.  She wanted me to call her, I called her, she tells me again that I have to call her and that she didn't aswer because she was caring for Kalya.  Which is completely fine!  Baby vs Phone?  Ha  Baby wins every time. And if not the lets call the kiddie cops. (Not that the last sentence actually applies, just me finishing a thought that you couldn't hear cuz it's in my head kind of thing.  I digress, What I wanted to say about those calls is this, I called her and asked her to call me, amoung other things, and she emails me telling me to call her again.

As far as I'm concerned, I did call.  It was ignored for an acceptable reason.  But curtosey implies a return phone call with an explaination.  Not an email.

I hate that she's keeping me from Kayla, but what can I do?

I don't even know.

Well, until the nexrt time I take my sleepers and get online....but I gotta go shove some Novalog (fast acting insulin)
The other one is "normal" and that's Levimir.  So we'll see.

But on a funny/crazy/amusing note:  my hair is curling almost all the way to my scalp, and all the fat that I keep talking about?  It's making it's self comfortable in my chest.  The nurses are taking bets on how big they'll get and when.  arg.  I've asked for 30-40% of the profits and they just laughted.  *pouts*

And just so you know, relying on your parents as child, teen, young adult, is far different from the depedency you are forced to expect in such circumstanse.  I'm so weak right now, my parents have to cut up my food, my hands shake so hard we're afraid that I'll get myself bad and ERERER

And I can't even open the friggin milk!  Which makes my family laugh...cuz it is funny, just frusterating.  I'm just glad that I'm still allowed "private" showers, meaning mom in room, or door not locked.  I feel like I"m back in the hospital, the way my parents take care of me...at least I can still Shower without needing someone to wash my back...



Quotes of the Day

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

"Don't Quit,"  Author Unknown

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light not our darkness that frightens us.  We ask ourselves "who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson
From her book Return To Love

Today is Emru's 6th month aniversary.  He left us November 11th.  It's hard to believe that he's been gone so long.  And how much can happen in a "mere" 6 months.

-brother got promoted
-sister planned to move out
-sister broke up with fiance for unknown reasons
- me-graft vs host
-me-scleroderma
-me-line in chest, TWICE (they put in the wrong size so they had to take it back out and up in the correct one)
-me-photopheresis (including a variety of problems with that)
-friend had baby (9 lbs, 10 oz, 21 inches, May 8th dob, due date May 3rd, Kayla)
-friend graduating this month
-my cute little dog had his 3rd birthday
-said cute little dog and his partner in crime had their annual vet appt for $380!  but they are both healthy
-ran into a very old friend
-met and (hopefully) helped new cancer patients, old cancer patients, and family of said patients


...


ok so that stuff happened within the past 3 months....and those are just a handful...lol.

But I didn't realize that it's already been 6 months since his passing.  I'm not sure how I feel about not realizing.  It doesn't seem like it's been 6 months, but at the same time, it seems like ages ago.  I feel that way about so many things.  It's one of the few things that I've learned, growing up, is that life isn't black and white.  And how I feel about Emru is one of them.  My leukemia is another.   There's a list, I'm sure.

Okay.  Here's some good news!  I now weigh 102.9 pounds!  First time in over a year!  Woohoo!!!   AND I just had a hot bath, I lingered, I soaked, I Enjoyed AND when I got out, I didn't ITCH!!!  The first time I've had a bath (where I didn't itch, I mean) since the end of July 2008!!!! 

The only downside, I think I look fat...lol.  The steroids I'm on placed my weight gain in my cheeks, thighs and stomach.  But on the plus side, when I'm taken off the steroids (hopefully next week) my weight is supposed to even itself out.  And on a bigger plus side, I'm encouraged to eat whenever I'm hungry.  Which is often.  The other day, I ate *two* steaks!  And I was still hungry!!!!  That's *not* counting the baked potatoes (yes plural).  I'm eating six meals a day plus "snacks" which could probably count as their own mean (as in bowls of cocoa puffs, kix, or frosted flakes)...And I'm going through a gallon of 2% milk ever two days!  By myself!

My liver counts are finially dropping, which is soooo gooood....we've been watching them carefully, for the graft versus host disease, and they were ridiculously high!  They are still too high, but they are *half* (literally) of what they were!  They are double what they are supposed to be now.  Can you imagine?




I actually had a thought, yesterday, about gifts.  I was working on some of my house plans (for the Sims 2, I have to downsize all "normal" house plans in order to put them on the game "to scale") and I realised something, I've been playing the Sims, and then the Sims 2 since they came out, I will be playing the Sims 3 when it's finally released, and in all this time, none of my friends have ever bought me anything regarding house plans...though I admit, I've never asked....lol

Then I realised, the same thing applied to my crafting, I crochet, draw, write, paint, color (though I admit to recieving a few coloring books from Amber), bead, sew, do puzzles (crosswords, kriss kross, logic) and I'm always interested in learning a new craft.  But when I look at my list, I can't help but wonder why I don't get some of these things as gifts (birthdays and Christmas).  Especially when people say they don't know what to get me!  So, should I mass email my friends and family a list of my interests?  LOL  I'm kidding.  I'm not going to do that!

I'd love to chat, but you have to turn on your message options first.  Or email me, Shalaren@yahoo.com

Today is my year and a day from surviving Leukemia and I'm so happy about it!  LOL.

This poem is posted in memory of all those who didn't make it to their year and a day.

( I'm Free )</div>

 Leukemia is a cancer that begins in the blood cells, more specifically white blood cells. It belongs to a broad group of diseases, commonly termed as hematological malignancies. Leukemia is classified into different types based on the onset of the disease and the type of white blood cell informed in the malignant transformation. Acute leukemia is a condition in which there is an abnormal growth of white blood cells in a very short time period. Approximately 6-7 new cases of acute leukemia are diagnosed per 100,000 people in a year. Chronic leukemia is the abnormal growth of cancer
cells, over a prolonged period of time. The most commonly observed forms of leukemia include chronic myeloid leukemia, acute myeloid leukemia, acute lymphocytic leukemia and chronic lymphocytic leukemia. Leukemia is generally considered as incurable. The truth however is that in some instances, a complete cure may be achieved (bone marrow transplantation).


www.medindia.net/ribbons/content_display.asp

I'm in Sacramento California. My Aunt Paula, Uncle Britt, and their three boys are housing us while we visit with my grandmother. She's suffered from liver disease (alcohol abuse) lung cancer (smoking) cardiomyopathy and she's on oxygen. The doctors said they thought she would have 6-9 months more to live, but she's taken a turn for the worst. She probably won't survive another month. She doesn't even recognize that their are people with her now and she cannot form words. She can make sounds but doesn't respond to questions, even simple ones. She also doesn't respond to physical contact either. I kinda thought that she would at least cling to a hand holding hers, like an infant would, subconsciously or something. But she doesn't.

She lives with my Aunt Paula and a hospice doctor or nurse comes twice a week and is on call, should anything happen. It's very strange to see my grandmother being cared for like an infant. And it's even worse to look at her and realize that that could have been me. It's hard for me to be in the same room with her for any length of time because of that. Which makes me feel worse. I didn't think I'd feel that way. And maybe I wouldn't feel it as much if my family didn't keep commenting on the same things.

I've been glad to see my family though. And I especially remember some of the reasons why I'll be glad to go home. You forget the things that irritate you about people when you don't spend a lot of time with them.

My mom's glad she came. She was going to wait a couple of months, but now that she's seen grandma, she's glad she listened to me. Her last alert day was the day we arrived here in California. So we got to see her, and she got to see us. Aunt Paula thinks that she was waiting for us to get here.

Mary Lou Pacheco has made many mistakes in her life, but at the end of it, I guess they don't really matter to the people they were made against. You love whom you love, for better or for worse.

Cancer: Here’s how YOU can help ME cope and survive

This is a book I bought awhile back. I was skimming it and found some things I felt were worth posting about. Here’s to start. And every friend and family member I know has done more than three.

“Know what NOT to do or say to a cancer patient”
 Do not tell the survivor stories of those who did not survive, or horror stories about their treatment which ended in their death
 Do not pity them for their diagnosis
 Do not treat them any differently than you did before the diagnosis
 Do not blame them for their disease
 Do not visit and look sad or depressed
 Do not “act” like you are really caring if you really aren’t interested in being there for the survivor
 Do not say “This is God’s will”
 Do not say “I hope I see you again”
 Do not ask every medical detail of the diagnosis o be invasive about asking for information
 Do not ignore the survivor … they feel alone in the world with the diagnosis
 Do not offer information to a survivor when they are not ready to accept or desire the information
 Do not force the survivor to do anything they are not ready to do
 Try not to be negative around the survivor
 Do not say “I know how you feel”
 Do not act like the survivor is dying
 Do not say “Oh it will be okay”
 Don’t act like this is a death sentence
 Do not preach to the survivor about the cause or sures for the cancer
 Don’t ask “Did they get it all”
 Do not talk about all the side effects unless the survivor opens the conversation and wants to discuss them openly
 Do not call others and tell them about the diagnosis without the permission of the survivor
 Do not detach from the survivor – help them with the burden by showing support and love
 Do not make jokes about the impending loss (of body parts)
 Do not say “Well, you probably won’t be here much longer”
 Respect the survivor if they are not in the mood to talk
 Do not say “I did this, or that…” just listen
 Do not pretend this isn’t happening
 Do not say “How long did the doctor give you to live”
 Do not ask “Are you sure the doctor knows what he’s doing”
 Do not say “Well, it’s probably a misdiagnosis”
 Do not say “Is this serious? Are you going to die?”
 Do not minimize the diagnosis
 Do not tell the survivor how to feel, think ot how to act
 Do not say negative things about the survivor’s choice of physicans – just be supportive and encouraging
 Do not say “There must be a reason this is happening
 Do not attack treatment choices made by your loved one
 Do not attack your loved one’s coping mechanisms (using humor, faith, denial, etc.)
 Do not offer false hope
 Do not make generalized offers such as: “Call if you need me” Trust us, they won’t call. Remember that many loved ones don’t want to be a burden, or don’t know how to ask for assistance
 Do not just talk about the cancer and nothing else
 Do not take it personally if you hear the loved one talk about anger, hurt, disappointment, etc. Remember, their feelings are not directed towards you
 Do not deny the reality of cancer
 Do not compare your loved one’s illness to a cat or dog who has cancer or a life-threatening illness
 Do not quote negative statistics or survival times
 Do not try to convert your loved one’s religious beliefs and shove your own religious concepts on them. Listen and be supportive while nurturing your loved one’s spiritual faith.
 Do not stare at the missing breast and not your loved one’s face while talking
 Do not make comments about increases in weight, body puffiness, or wigs